George Valentine – KING OF THE ONE LINERS Author of six successful original one liner joke books on kindle. Four “Simply the best one liner joke Books” There are 2000 one liner jokes on all the 4 adut books and i have written two “Simply the best kids joke books”  6 books all were written in 6 months all original material written by me. Just click on below as seen on “MAIL ON LINE” and read my story. I will shortly be on Wikipedia and instagram

This WEBSITE “George Valentine one liner jokes” is Simply the best, original “One Liner Joke Website on the internet!  Samples of the 200,000 one liners I have written All my world records can be viewed by clicking on the video section plus my entries to “Britain’s got talent” and how I got Tim Vine his ” Most jokes in an hour world record back” “My world record is the most “One liner gags in an hour” 1000

 

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George

Updated  10th february  2016

VIEW HIS ONE LINER JOKE BOOKS ON KINDLE “SIMPLY THE BEST ONE LINER JOKE BOOKS” 2000 ORIGINAL ONE LINERS ALL WRITTEN BY GEORGE IT DIFFERS FROM THE OTHER BOOKS AS IT IS ONE LINER JOKES YOU HAVE NOT HEARD BEFORE  ALL BOOKS ARE DOING VERY WELL. AND REGULARLY IN THE TOP 100 TWO HAVE REACHED NUMBER 1

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT LIONEL MESSI STARTED DRIBBLING WHEN HE WAS ONLY TWO MONTHS OLD

LATE NEWS!  REAL MADRID WOULD CONSIDER A SWAP DEAL FOR GARETH BALE FROM MANCHESTER UNITED, ROONEY, POGBA AND DE GEA PLUS CASH.

LATE NEWS—VIEW MY LATEST TWO WORLD ONE LINER RECORDS 12 ONE LINERS TOLD IN 10 SECONDS AND THE WORLD RECORD OF WRITING 200,000 ONE LINER JOKES. TO GO WITH THE FOUR BELOW.

 

VIEW MY WORLD RECORDS ON YOU TUBE  62 JOKES IN A MINUTE ONE IN LESS THAN A SECOND ALSO MY WORLD’S SHORTEST ONE LINE JOKE THREE WORDS OBESITY CURES WRINKLES. I LIVE ON TELEVISION HAVE MADE UP A ONE LINE JOKE IN UNDER TWO MINUTES THEN TOLD MY 62 ONE LINER JOKES WORLD RECORD  IN A MINUTE. WHAT DO I NEED TO WRITE 100 ONE LINER JOKES IN A DAY. I’M THE ONLY GAG WRITER WHO USES NOTHING BUT A DICTIONARY AND CROSSWORDS I ONLY NEEDS ONE WORD THEN BUILD A ONE LINER JOKE ROUND IT MY 200,,000 ONE LINERS WOULD TAKE 14 DAYS TO READ OUT.

VIEW MY NEW WORLD RECORD 121 JOKES TOLD IN TWO MINUTES AGAIN ONE IN LESS THAN A SECOND. CLICK ON MY VIDEO SECTION. TO TELL ONE JOKE A SECOND YOU MUST BE ABLE TO BREATH AND TALK AT THE SAME TIME

VIEW MY OTHER WORLD RECORDS MOST JOKES TOLD IN AN HOUR 1000           THIS BREAKS THE OLD RECORD OF 549 AND TIM VINE’S WORLD RECORD OF 499. GEORGE VALENTINE HAS WRITTEN OVER 200,000 ONE LINER JOKES          VIEW HIS TOP 10 ONE LINERS AGAINST THE EDINBURGH FRINGE TOP 10 —–LATEST NEWS CADBURY’S ARE INTERESTED IN SIGNING WAYNE ROONEY THEY ARE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR SOFT CENTRES

                              Welcome to my personal collection of original one-liners, quotes, jokes, and sayings, for your laughing pleasure! My favourite one line comedians are Bob Hope, Tim Vine, Johnnie Casson, Bob Monkhouse and the great Ken Dodd. My favourite young comedian  and friend is the Australian Taylor Goodwin who holds the Guinness world record for the most jokes in an hour 571. His material and timing is first class and his future is bright.  My mentor and friend is one of the greatest gag writers of our time Brad Ashton. 

Hi I am a George Valentine, a Scotsman from Edinburgh and for many years resided at Broom, Rotherham. I have written jokes and one-liners since my school days I have contributed quickies jokes and one liners for Tommy Cooper, Les Dawson and other top comedians. In 1970 I wrote to Bob Monkhouse with samples of my work he praised my humour and said my Irish joke printed below about an Irishman who had never seen a vicar before was the best Irish joke he had heard and guided me into writing comedy.

On Google I also hold five world record one liner jokes, the shortest one liner joke “Obesity Cures Wrinkles” 62 one liners in a minute, 121 one liners in two minutes and 1000 one liner jokes in an hour and the writer of the most one liner jokes 200,000. G.V one liner jokes on twitter has over 300,000 followers. All the 2700 tweets are all one liner jokes to enjoy. I registered with the Guinness Book of records to challenge the most jokes told in one hour 549 held by an Australian called “Lemo” As Guinness would not allow me to use 20 cue cards yet they allowed Lemo I broke the World record on video myself I recorded 630 one liner jokes in only 43 minutes  Not bad for an unknown gag writer. The World record by Guinness under their rules using no cue cards is still Tim Vine 499. My new world record on you tube is 1000 jokes told in an hour you can view in full on the video section above

EDINBURGH FRINGE TOP 10 JOKE 

I as a gag writer ask you to judge my 10 one liner gags against the 10 one liners from the Edinburgh Fringe that cost millions to stage picked from over 200 comedians. In a survey over 90% backed mine. What do you think?

The Fringes top ten are.

1 –  “I heard a rumour that Cadbury  is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Whispa.  2 – “I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole destroying”  3 – I’m in a same sex relationship .. the sex is always the same  4 – My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian Island. I said to him. Don’t be Sicily  5 – “I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nut shell.  6 –  The Pope is a lot like the Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced  by white men.  7 – “You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost.  8 – “The universe implodes. No matter.”  9 – I was adopted at birth and have never seen my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lap dance.  10 – “The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately.

George Valentine’s top ten one liners  

1—-Officer two women are fighting over me. What’s wrong with that? The big fat ugly one is winning   2    An unmarried mother has given birth to piglets the Child Support Agency is now looking for the swine responsible.   3   Generosity in a Scotsman is the first sign of insanity  4   At university I sat an exam on Inheritance Tax I got 40%  5 My car is like a baby it goes nowhere without a rattle.  6  Obesity Cures Wrinkles.  7  A man’s home is a a squatters castle.  8  Cigarettes are killer that travel in packs  9   Mum why do 8 different men keep visiting our house every night? Shut up and eat your caviar.  10  A replacement for electricity  is light years away. 

Over 50 years ago the first joke I wrote to impress my school pals was rather risque. A boy while making love to his sister said “You are better at this than your mother” she said “I know my dad told me.”

As long jokes have become less popular over the last few years, let’s see if after the late news those 14 jokes can make you laugh. I would like to thank you the public for making my one line joke website the most visited on the internet. 

 

Starter Jokes

My car is like a baby it goes no where without a rattle

If Little Miss Moffatt married Saddam Hussein would she let the Kurd’s have their whey.

Wayne Rooney £300,000 a week not bad for being the second best striker at Manchester United

Howard Webb was the only referee to be invited to Sir Alex Ferguson’s leaving do.

Manchester United and Prince Andrew have a lot in common. They both want to get Fergie back. 

50 million wouldn’t buy Wayne Rooney and I am one of them

Cadbury’s are interested in signing Wayne Rooney they are always looking for soft centres

Who invented small condoms? Little Johnny said “It wasn’t me

Mothers Day is 9 months after fathers day—I married an ill upholsterer he’s still recovering—-If you can feel it in your water, you’ve probably got a urine infection

A bus got employed as a coach at Old Trafford

Manchester City owners are thinking about buying Manchester United as their feeder team

There are a lot of lady golfers I would like to play around with.

If you were engaged to a girl with a big nose would you break it off IF

IF GOLF TEES ARE TO PUT YOUR BALLS ON WHILE YOU ARE DRIVING WON’T THEY GET BRUISED 

Women’s pants are not the best thing in the world they are next to the best thing in the World—-I believe in long engagements it makes the marriage shorter

Dad I’ve had sex for the first time! Good for you son! I know but my bum hurts

Do you mind if I smoke? I don’t mind if you burn.

My Sons average income is two AM.

Go into the fitting room of a big posh store and shout out loudly “There’s no paper in here” —–The shoe repair had his drive cobbled.

I wrote to the world’s greatest ever test umpire to congratulate him on his OBE;
I haven’t heard a Dickie Bird since!

 Percy is the chap we point at the porcelain?——-Water springs eternal

Always get yourself a good bed and a good woman; if you’re not in one, you’re in the other————-When Robert makes love does he Bob up and down

Quasimodo is the only person to have appeared on spitting images live.

These days God couldn’t create the earth in 6 days. The unions wouldn’t allow it.

The doctor told me my wife needs to be made love to five times a week! I told him to put me down for two.

The label in the hooker’s knickers’ said “next”.

40 is the new 30, try telling that to a speed camera.

The difference between Scottish football and English football. In English football if a player kicks the ball over the stand they throw on a new ball. In Scottish football they allow them 20 minutes to find the old one and if they can’t find it the player who kicked the ball out gets the red card 

Just read all this home page and I guarantee it is the best on the internet! This page contains the world’s shortest one liner joke!

 

Late News – 14 Classic Jokes

And “tired” presented to you by the writer of over 200,000 one line jokes.

Chelsea’s owner Roman Abramovich is like a magician he keeps waving his magic wad.

Banks have a two-tier bonus system one for success and one for failure.

Manchester United have named a two man team for Saturday Wayne Rooney and Howard Webb.

If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear  would Greece help?

50 million wouldn’t buy David Beckham and I am one of them.

Can I use your Dictaphone? “No use your finger like everybody else”.

I have written the world’s shortest one line joke 3 words “Obesity Cures Wrinkles”.

What is the shortest Yorkshire joke? 2 words “How Much!” world’s shortest religious joke 2 words – Pope Elopes.

The previous world record was Jimmy Carr’s 4 word joke – “Venison’s dear isn’t it” if I wrote for Jimmy Carr I would have made it a 2 word one liner – “Venison’s dear

My ultimate World record wedding one liner joke 3 letter 2 words “I Do” Can any one beat it? 

I need Viagra I am getting soft in my old age. Is someone half asleep having 20 winks?

I bumped into a man outside a store yesterday and all he could go on about was how he hates this time of year dressed up in a stupid red outfit and embarrassing himself in front of thousands of people. I said for god sake Rooney, you chose to play for Manchester United.

A Manchester City fan said “Manchester United aren’t even the best team in Manchester. 

I asked Wayne Rooney, what it was like being the best player in the world? He replied, “I don’t know ask Lionel Messi”

Alex Ferguson does not believe in home rule for Manchester, Manchester must remain United.

Wayne Rooney isn’t fit to lace George Best’s drinks


I’ve made 100′s of jokes about Manchester United  for two reasons one I support them and two.You make jokes up about the best

More Late News

A woman who had her implants removed said the operation was a flop.

A well endowed man had three feet two feet and a foot

Why do fairies never get pregnant they keep going to goblin parties

The only time Wayne Rooney keeps his mouth shut is during the National Anthem.

I have just made my will; the main beneficiary is the Inland Revenue.

Spell kitten, I am too big to spell kitten try me with cat.

Another world shortest one line joke 3 words “Death is Hereditary” (I wrote this in Jan. 2000)
Hear lies the News of the World hacked to death.

Wayne Rooney enjoys being sent off! He gets a kick out of it.

Nurse give me a kiss? Certainly not as a matter of fact I shouldn’t even be in bed with you.

Wayne Rooney has paid £1200 for a 19 year old Escort! She wasn’t even taxed and tested?

Manchester United have brought out a new kit: black socks, black shorts, black top – and a whistle!

My wife has left me, she says I love football more than I love her, I’m gutted: we’ve been together ten seasons!

A flasher was knocked down by a bus on the High Street. It was his own fault he should have stuck his arm out like everybody else.

During Comic Relief will red noses be banned for fear of upsetting people with a drink problem!

I used my B&Q discount card to get the ice of my windscreen, but I only got 10% off.

What part of Popeye never gets rusty? The bit he dips in Olive Oyle.

 

14 Jokes To Make You Laugh

(I have also updated the classic ‘tired’ at the bottom of this page for your enjoyment)

There has been a bust up in a biscuit tin. While eating a Trio a Bandit called Rocky, who was Crackers, hit a Penguin from Montana over the head with a Club, tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Ribbon, kidnapped a Trophy and made his Breakaway in a Taxi. During the Topic of conversation the police said the Smart Cookie Rocky who had one previous conviction for being dunken disorderly was last seen by a Viscount from Maryland while walking his Yorkie at just After Eight, Rocky was having Morning Coffee, at the Ritz he was Hobnobbing with a Ginger Nut playing a Banjo. Unfortunately at this stage the police do not have a Crumb of evidence to go on.

I wrote the bust up in the “Biscuit Tin in ASDA 10 years ago in January 2006″ Printed in the Daily Star on January 27th 2006

An Irishman who had never seen a vicar before said “Why do you wear your collar back to front? The vicar said “My son I wear my collar back to front because I’m a Father” the man said “I’m a Father but I don’t wear my collar back to front” the vicar said “Ah, my son but I am the Father of thousands” the man said “It’s your trousers not your collar you should be wearing back to front”.

The teacher said to young Tom “what do you think of your Father” Tom said “My dad’s a hero a horse ran loose down the High Street he caught it calmed it down and saved people from being injured my dad’s a hero” The teacher said to Dick. “What do you think of your Father?” Dick said “My dad’s a hero a woman was drowning in the river my dad dived in gave her the kiss of life and saved her my dad’s a hero” The teacher said to Harry. “What do you think to your Father.” Harry said “I have got to admit it but my dad is a coward last weekend my mother went to stay at her sisters. My dad was that frightened he had to get the lady in from next door to sleep with him”.

A policeman on spotting three men drunk and incapable in the Town Centre asked for their names. One drunk said “don’t give him your real name give him a shop name” the first drunk said “I’m W H Smith” the second drunk said “I’m T.J Hughes” the third drunk said “I’m Toys-Are-Us”.

I had a bad car accident outside the Labour Party Headquarters a few years ago I was trapped in my vehicle. Two families came to free me there was the Straws and the Balls. I was pulled out by the Straws but my mate was not quite so lucky.

Two pals who had a double wedding 8 years ago were talking in the pub. One said  “Why is it that we both got married on the same day 8 years ago and I have 8 kids and you have none?” His friend said: “It’s simple – I always use the safe period” the first man said “When’s that” his pal replied “When you’re on nights”

A man asked the ringmaster “What do you have to do to be a lion-tamer? He said “All you have to do is get into the cage with that big ferocious lion and if the lion takes a pace forward, just take a pace back. If the lion takes another pace forward, just take another pace back. If you are at the back of the cage and the big ferocious lion takes a pace forward just bend down and pick up some manure and throw it in the lion’s face.” The man said “What if there’s no manure” The ringmaster said “Don’t you worry there will be”

An eighty year old man said to the doctor, I am not enjoying sex as much as I used to. The doctor said “When did you first notice this”? The old man said twice last night and once this morning.

Two Vikings asked a man if his village had been plundered and the women raped? He said “No” They moved on to the next village and asked if his village had been plundered and the women raped? A man said “No” at the next village they again asked if the village had been plundered and the women raped? A man replied “No” one Viking said to the other: “I wonder where the lads have gone to-night?”

Many years ago I was playing a trumpet solo. It was a very sad song, and I noticed a man in the front row of the audience with tears running down his face. When I was finished, I approached him and asked if he was a sentimentalist. He said “No I’m a musician.”

The teacher said to the class “I would like you to make up a poem with the two words “Pistol To in it, and the boy that gives me the best poem will get a prize.” the top boy said “I have a poem using the two words pistol to miss. My Father is a policeman, he wears a coat of blue, he sometimes carries a truncheon and sometimes a Pistol To.” the teacher said “That was brilliant I don’t think anyone can beat that”! A scruffy lad in the class said I can beat it! “My Father’s not a policeman, he doesn’t wear a coat of blue, he’s at the dole from ten till 12 and on the Piss till two.”

Being an identical twin has been the curse of my life. He did his sums wrong the teacher punished me. I courted a girl for 7 years, she married him. I got my own back last week – I died, and they buried him.

A man lay on his death bed with his wife tenderly holding and caressing his hand. He said “I must confess darling for the last 8 years I have been having an affair with your sister” she said “Don’t worry my love. I know, you just lie there and rest and let the poison work”.

A lady said to her friend “You are oversexed” her friend said “I am not just you ask my 6 sons. Willie, Dick, Cocky, Randy, Johnnie and Nobby. And if you’re still not satisfied ask my Daughter Fanny.”

 

Tired

Everyone of us contributes enormously to British Culture but one of our country’s greatest attributes is its ability to laugh at ourselves. Here in that spirit is the classic tired I have updated for everyone to enjoy.

Yes, I am tired, for many years now I have blamed it on middle age, backache, blood pressure, cholesterol, obesity, dieting and insomnia. I find if I sleep on the edge of the bed I soon drop off. I told my wife who occupies the middle of our bed, it should be half the bed each, she said “I know I have the middle half and you have the two quarters on each side.”

I blame being tired on my marriage, my first wife left me but my second wife won’t. I can’t remember how I first met my wife, I just opened my wallet and there she was.

Tread carefully when you meet a lady with tyred eyes she will let you down.

I am so tired lately I have to have a nap before I go to bed. I am tired because I’ve been breathing all day. I am accused of thinking manual Labour is a Spaniard. I am tired simply because I am overworked.

The population of this country is 60 million of which 20 million are retired, that leaves 40 million to do the work.
There are 25 million at school that leaves 15 million to do the work.
There are 6 million employed by the government who drink tea because coffee would keep them awake, that leaves 9 million to do the work.
There are 5 million employed by the Borough Councils that leaves 4 million to do the work.
There are 2 million unemployed that leaves 2 million to do the work.
There is one million in the Arm Forces that leaves 1 million to do the work.
There are 600 000 in hospitals and 399 998 in HM Prisons, that leaves two people to do the work.
You and me.

And you are sat on your butt reading this rubbish.

Is there any bloody wonder I’m tired…