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GEORGE VALENTINE.   KING OF THE ONE LINER

UPDATED  21 st  MAY  2012 

    

SIMPLY THE BEST       THE ONLY TRULY ORIGINAL ONE LINER  JOKE WEBSITE ON THE INTERNET

I WROTE TO THE WORLD’S GREATEST EVER TEST UMPIRE TO CONGRATULATE HIM ON HIS O B E

I HAVEN’T HEARD A DICKIE BIRD SINCE!

MAN OF THE MATCH FOR ME IS ALWAYS CAPTAIN WEBB——-ALL HOOKERS ARE DICTATORS         

THESE DAYS GOD COULDN’T CREATE  THE EARTH IN 6 DAYS. THE UNIONS WOULDN’T ALLOW IT

The label  in the hooker’s knicker’s said  “Next”—40 is the new 30, try telling that to a speed camera

 

JUST READ ALL THIS HOME PAGE I GUARANTEE IT IS THE BEST ON THE INTERNET.  THIS PAGE CONTAINS THE WORLD’S SHORTEST JOKE —  LATE NEWS —  14  CLASSIC JOKES —  AND “TIRED” PRESENTED TO YOU BY THE WRITER OF OVER  50,000  ONE LINE JOKES. —- CHELSEA’S owner Roman Abramovich is like a magician he keeps waving his magic wad. —-  BANKS have a two-tier bonus system one for success and one for failure.—- MANCHESTER UNITED have named a two man team for Saturday Wayne Rooney and Howard Webb. —- When are MANCHESTER UNITED going to start playing with 11 players instead of 12.—– 50 million wouldn’t buy David Beckham and I am one of them.—– Can I use your dictaphone? No use your finger like everybody else

 I HAVE WRITTEN THE WORLD’S SHORTEST ONE LINE JOKE  3  WORDS “OBESITY CURES WRINKLES”

  WHAT IS THE SHORTEST YORKSHIRE JOKE?  2  WORDS  ”HOW MUCH!” WORLD’S SHORTEST RELIGIOUS JOKE 2 WORDS —POPE ELOPES. 

The previous world record was Jimmy Carr’s 4 word joke– ”VENISON’S DEAR ISN’T IT” If I wrote for Jimmy I would have made it a 2 Word one liner –”VENISON’S DEAR”  I need viagra I am getting soft in my old age.  Is someone half asleep having 20 winks.

I bumped into a man outside a store yesterday and all he could go on about was how he hates this time of year dressed up in a stupid red outfit and embarrassing himself in front of thousands of people. I said for God sake Rooney you chose to play for Manchester United.—— A Manchester City fan said “Manchester United aren’t even the best team in Manchester.  Manchester City owners are considering buying Manchester United as their feeder team.  THERE HAS BEEN TO MUCH ARGY BARGY OVER TEVEZ                

 I asked Wayne Rooney what it was like being the best player in the world? He replied I don’t know ask Lionel Messi 

Alex Ferguson does not believe in home rule for Manchester.  Manchester must remain United

Wayne Rooney wasn’t fit to lace George Best’s drinks.   Rooney is saving up for a Wayney day

 

 Welcome to my personal collection of original one-liners, quotes, jokes, and sayings, for your laughing pleasure! My favourite one line  comedians are Jimmy Carr, Tim Vine, Johnnie Casson, Milton Jones and the great Ken Dodd 

 

-Hi I am a George Valentine, a Scotsman born at Priestfield Crescent Edinburgh and for many years have resided at Broom, Rotherham. I have written jokes and one-liners since my schooldays I have contributed quickies jokes and one liners for the Tommy Cooper Shows Les Dawson and other top comedians. In 1970 I wrote to Bob Monkhouse with samples of my work he praised my humour and said my Irish joke printed below about an Irishman who had never seen a vicar before was the best Irish joke he had heard and guided me into writing comedy.

  

Over 50 years ago the first joke I wrote to impress my school pals was rather risque. A boy while making love to his sister said “You are better at this than your mother” she said “I know my dad told me.” 

 

-As long jokes have become less popular over the last few years, lets see if after the LATE NEWS those 14 jokes can make you laugh. I WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU THE PUBLIC FOR MAKING MY ONE LINE JOKE WEBSITE THE MOST VISITED ON THE INTERNET You can also get this website by entering “WHO WROTE THE WORLD’S SHORTEST ONE LINE JOKE OR  “WHAT IS THE MOST VISITED ONE LINE JOKE WEBSITE ON THE INTERNET”ou can et 

-LATE NEWS

A woman who had her implants removed said the operation was a flop.

Gaddafi dead! R I P. Rat in Pipe—– The only time Wayne Rooney keeps his mouth shut is during the National Anthem

I have just made my will and the main beneficiary is the Inland Revenue.

I don’t care who you are get those reindeer of my roof.

Another world shortest one line joke 3 words  “DEATH IS HEREDITARY”  ( I wrote this in Jan. 2000 )

 Hear lies the News of the World hacked to death.——Wayne Rooney enjoys being sent off! He gets a kick out of it.

Nurse give me a kiss? Certainly not as a matter of  fact I shouldn’t even be in bed with you.
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Wayne Rooney has paid £1200 for a 19 year old Escort!  She wasn’t even taxed and tested?
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-Manchester United have brought out a new kit:  black socks, black shorts, black top – and a whistle!
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My wife has left me.  She says I love football more than I love her.-I’m gutted: We’ve been together ten seasons!
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A flasher was knocked down by a bus on the High Street. It was his own fault he should have stuck his arm out like everybody else.

(I have also updated the classic ‘TIRED’ at the bottom  of this page for your enjoyment)

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There has been a bust up in a biscuit tin. A Bandit called Rocky, who was Crackers, hit a Penguin from Montana over the head with a Club, tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Ribbon, kidnapped a Trophy and made his Breakaway in a Taxi. The police say the smart Cookie Rocky who has one previous conviction for being Dunken Disorderly was last seen by a Viscount from Maryland while walking his Yorkie at just After Eight, Rocky was having Morning Coffee, at the Ritz while Hobnobbing with a Ginger Nut with a Banjo. Unfortunately at this stage we do not have a crumb of evidence to go on.

 I wrote THE BUST UP IN THE BISCUIT TIN IN ASDA  in January 2006. Printed in the Daily Star January 27th 2007

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An Irishman who had never seen a vicar before said “Why do you wear your collar back to front? The vicar said “I wear my collar back to front because I’m a father” The Irishman said “I’m a father but I don’t wear my collar back to front” The vicar said “Ah, my son but I am the father of thousands” The Irishman said “it’s your trousers not your collar you should be wearing back to front”

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The teacher said to young Tom “What do you think of  your father” Tom said “My dad’s a hero a horse ran loose down the High Street he caught it calmed it down and saved people from being injured my dads a hero” The teacher said to Dick.  ”What do you think of your father.” Dick said “My dad’s a hero a woman was drowning in the river my dad dived in gave her the kiss of life and saved her my dad’s a hero” The teacher said to Harry. “What do you think to your father.” Harry said  “I have got to admit it but my dad is a coward last weekend my mother went to stay at her sisters. My dad was that frightened he had to get the lady in from next door to sleep with him.”

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A policeman on spotting three men drunk and incapable in the Town Centre asked for their names. One drunk said “Don’t give him your real name give him a  shop name” The first drunk said “I’m W H Smith” The second drunk said “I’m T J Hughes” the third drunk said “I’m Toys-Are-Us”

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 I had a bad car accident outside the Labour Party Headquarters I was trapped in my vehicle. Two families came to free me there was the Straws and the Balls. I was pulled out by the Straws but my mate was not quite so lucky.

———

Two pals who had a double wedding 8 years ago were talking in the pub. One said ” Why is it that we both got married on the same day 8 years ago and I have 8 kids and you have none?” His friend said:  “It’s simple – I always use the safe period” The first man said “When’s that” His pal replied “When you’re on nights” 

———

-A man asked the ringmaster “what do you have to do to be a lion-tamer? he said “all you have to do is get into the cage with that big ferocious lion and if the lion takes a pace forward, just take a pace back. If the lion takes another pace forward, just take another pace back. If you are at the back of the cage and the big ferocious lion takes a pace forward just bend down and pick up some manure and throw it in the lion’s face.” The man said “What if there’s no manure” the ringmaster said “Don’t you worry– there will be”

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——-An eighty year old man said to the doctor, I am not enjoying sex as much as I used to. The doctor said when did you first notice this. The old man said twice last night and once this morning.

-———

——Two Vikings asked a man if his village had been plundered and the women raped? He said “No” They moved on to the next village and asked if his village had been plundered and the women raped? A man said “No” At the next village they again asked if the village had been plundered and the women raped? A man replied “No” One Viking said to the other: “I wonder where the lads have gone to-night?”

-———

——-Many years ago I was playing a trumpet solo. It was a very sad song, and I noticed a man in the front row of the audience with tears running down his face. When I was finished, I approached him and asked if he was a sentimentalist. He said “No I’m a musician.”

-———

——–The teacher said to the class “I would like you to make up a poem with the two words “Pistol To” in it, and the boy that gives me the best poem will get a prize.” The top boy said “I have a poem using the two words Pistol To miss. My father is a policeman, he wears a coat of blue, he sometimes carries a truncheon and sometimes a Pistol To.” The teacher said that was brilliant I don’t think anyone can beat that! A scruffy lad in the class said I can beat it! “My fathers not a policeman, he doesn’t wear a coat of blue, he’s at the dole from ten till 12 and on the piss till two.”

———

——–Being an identical twin has been the curse of my life. He did his sums wrong the teacher punished me. I courted a girl for 7 years, she married him. I got my own back last week– I died, and they buried him.

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A man lay on his death with his wife tenderly holding and caressing  his hand. He said “I must confess darling for the last  8 years I have been having an affair with your sister” She said “Don’t worry my love. I know, you just lie there and rest and let the poison work”

———

A lady said to her friend “You are oversexed” Her friend said “I am not just you ask my 6 sons. Willie, Dick, Cocky, Randy, Johnnie and Nobby. And if your still not satisfied ask my daughter Fanny.”

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  TIRED

Everyone of us contributes enormously to British Culture but one of our country’s greatest attributes is it’s ability to laugh at ourselves. Here in that spirit is the classic Tired I have updated for everyone to enjoy.

Yes, I am tired, for many years now I have blamed it on middle age, backache, blood pressure, cholesterol, obesity, dieting and insomnia. I find if I sleep on the edge of the bed I soon drop off. I told my wife who occupies the middle of our bed, it should be half the bed each, she said  “I know I have the middle half and you have the two quarters on each side.”

I blame being tired on my marriage, my first wife left me but my second wife won’t. I can’t remember how I first met my wife, I just opened my wallet and there she was.

I am so tired lately I have to have a nap before I go to bed. I am tired because I’ve been breathing all day. I am accused of thinking manual labour is a Spaniard. I am tired simply because I am overworked.

The population of this country is 60 million of which 20 million are retired

That leaves 40 million to do the work.

There are 25 million at school that leaves 15 million to do the work

There are 6 million employed by the government who drink tea because coffee would keep them awake, that leaves 9 million to do the work.

There are 5 million employed by the Borough Councils that leaves 4 million to do the work

There are 2 million unemployed that leaves 2 million to do the work.

There is one million in the Arm Forces that leaves 1 million to do the work.

There are 600 000 in hospitals and 399 998 in HM prisons, that leaves two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you are sat on your butt reading this rubbish.

Is there any bloody wonder I’m tired…

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